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Apple Inc. hasn’t been on my good side the past few days. On Tuesday, I read about a recently-discovered, potentially intrusive location-tracking database that’s integrated into the iOS 4 software. On Wednesday, as I was playing Minecraft (at school; BA here) on an iMac that’s barely 6 months old, the performance was sluggish, and the game crashed several times. I lost all that coal I just freaking mined forgoshsakes. And today, I just read a headline on my GoogNews homepage that says a new Greenpeace study named Apple the “least green” tech company in all of Silicon Valley.

WTF you guys.

I have always been a huge fan of Apple, not least because of their incredible determination to make innovative and beautiful products, such as the iPhone. And ohhhh yes I’ve done my part to support them financially. I’ve bought five versions of iPods, and I got quite a nice soupcon of pleasure when I finally convinced the materfamilias to get the family an iMac instead of an icky PC four years ago.

But reading about all these recent letdowns has really spilled my tacos all over the floor. While it would be incredibly difficult for me to stop loving their products, the idealistic view I once had of Apple as a “great” company has certainly been changed for better or worse.

For this reason, I commend SNL’s Senator Al Franken (lol) who has taken the initiative to find out why Apple is tracking people’s locations in millions of iPhones. And I appreciate that Greenpeace has brought forth attention to Apple’s lack of environmental sensitivity. And, well, I’ll just go try and play Minecraft on a PC that actually works somewhere else in school.

Hello Tumblrs.

It has been a while since my last post here on Tumblr. Don’t you love how I’m mentioning that to you right now, even though you, my loyal follower, know it better than anyone?

The wit-craving kind of person you are, I’m sure you faithfully waited for my next post while you let your entire life go to hell. You skipped school, abandoned your family, quit your job, and threw away every aspect of the promising life you had. For nutrients, you ate week-old, stale poppy seed bagels and drank flat, warm Diet Ginger Ale out of an old Big Gulp. You sat on the dusty floor of your bedroom, staring at your ostensibly cracked and curiously sticky iPod touch screen, clicking the refresh button precisely every 18 seconds. And you bought expensive extension cords to make sure the device was well charged, lest you drain the battery. For such drainage would cause you to lose the opportunity to see what historians are calling the next Year Zero: my latest blog post.

And now you, and I, have made it here. What a glorious day. Lettuce celebrate. Here’s a bacon cake. http://tinyurl.com/4uv7br6 Help yourself to a slice.

Thank Hugh for reading! I must now get back to my latest novel about a tropical island where dinosaurs have been genetically brought back to life.

bananabriegarlic-deactivated201 asked: oh em gee. you have a girlfriend. can I take pictures of you guys?

YES YOU MAY…

BUT YOU HAVE TO PAY.

BECAUSE OTHERWISE THAT’S GAY.

HOW IS YOUR DAY?

NOW I FLY AWAY.

HOORAY.